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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23033677">Midnights</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unemployedfingers/pseuds/Unemployedfingers'>Unemployedfingers</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>All characters are in university, Androgynous Tsukishima, Androgyny, Asexual Character, Caring Akaashi, Caring Kuroo Tetsurou, Consent, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Non-Consensual Touching, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Passively Suicidal, Platonic Cuddling, Polyamory, References to Depression, Sad, Sexist Language, Strong Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Tsukishima is a babe that everyone dot on, Tsukishima is a model because why not, a bit OOC, a bit of violence, again intended misconception of sexuality and gender, and intended misconception of mental illness as well, asexual!Yamaguchi, asshole appearance, bad flirting etiquette, caring Bokuto, depressed!tsukishima, intended misconception of sexuality and gender, it will be solved later on, more tags to be add, queer-phobia, side notes: sex is not ensured, they are all mother hens, you can pry that from my cold dead hands</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:40:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23033677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unemployedfingers/pseuds/Unemployedfingers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima Kei couldn't sleep. It had been like this for a long time.<br/>Sleep was not the issue, however. What he could do when he was awake alone in the middle of the night was the issue. </p><p>Slowly, he felt himself losing to the dark. There were no hands pulling him out. He would hate to make his boyfriends sad because he lost himself to the dark though.</p><p>But would they be sad at all?<br/>Maybe he didn't care.<br/>-----------------------<br/>A story about a depressed Tsukishima Kei who had doubts, dark thoughts, and four amazing boyfriends to make it through endless nights.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Trivial and Insignificant thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos/gifts">IKnowWhoYouAre_Damianos</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work is UNDERTONED WITH DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! Please STOP RIGHT HERE if you have issue with any of the elements. Please READ THE TAGS CAREFULLY!<br/>Again intended misconception of sexuality, gender, and mental illness, please be patient with our dear Kei and the author. I would be glad to hear any thoughts on the work!<br/>Notice:<br/>*** means begin/end narrations of the PAST.<br/>Because the work is written in one POV per chapter only so I wanted to make sure to separate the past and present narration.<br/>If you are good with all the notes, please enjoy~</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tsukishima's night</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The first chapter was in Kei's POV in the middle of the night when he was sleepless and depressed so I tried to capture the most of it in words so be mindful!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Tick tock tick tock</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So annoying.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Tsukishima opened his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was late. He stayed lifeless in the devouring darkness. There was no light, just Tsukishima alone in the darkness, the world is forgotten. He liked it like this. No light, it burned his eyes. On any other occasion he would have enjoyed it, but now, being awake after wasting all that time into meditation and sleep-induced tea was annoying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had come to bed at 10 and had been trying to sleep since then. He did his best to follow Yamaguchi's words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Don't use electronic devices before bedtime, Tsukki. You will find it easier to sleep if there is no distraction. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Joke on him, there were plenty of distractions besides his phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sleep position for starters. It had been ten years since he outgrew the kid-sized single bed from childhood and leveled up into a double bed but he still couldn't find the right sleep position. Sometimes he laid on his front, sometimes he was on either of his sides, the other he twisted and turned until something clicked. Today, he laid on his back, face nuzzled a pillow with his own scent because the wind from the fan kept blowing his bang, tickling his forehead and he couldn't bare either that or the new fabric softener smell on the blanket either. It's not bad, it was just strong. Tsukishima got both legs covered and his hands on his hip. Any pressure on either his eyes or chest or belly became uncomfortable after five minutes. Sometimes, he felt suffocated when he did that. The thought of astral projection had crossed his mind numerous times. Finding a position to sleep for years was frustrating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Each ticking from the clock resonated with volume inside the room. It added to the hollow of his chess somehow, making it more vacant. Wait, it wasn't hollow, his heart was resident there. Beating slowly underneath all these layers of skin, muscle, and lungs. No matter how slow it was beating, it's just not </span>
  <em>
    <span>slow</span>
  </em>
  <span> enough. He could feel the working muscles bouncing the entire capacity of his chest. The sound it made seeped through meat fibers and reached his ears also. The beating and ticking were not in rhythm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was more annoying now. He was too conscious of everything physical. Even his breathing was annoying, he wanted to stay still to sleep. No movement. If he could stop his own heart from making noise, he would. If he could stop breathing, he would. There were existing methods to stop either him breathing or his heart beating he knew of. However, he wouldn't really go down that path. Not now when he was alone, and troubled by things that were trivial and insignificant. He had promised to talk to his boyfriends whenever feeling like this because deciding on his own when alone might result in some outcome that could hurt his boyfriends. It happened so many times already before they made him promise. Tsukishima didn't want to break the promise or hurt his boyfriends ever again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san said those little inconveniences could be fixed. Well, "trivial and insignificant" weren't exactly his words but Tsukishima still had a nagging urge to call them that. Akaashi-san told him they would be willing to offer distractions from these distractions anytime he needed. Bokuto-san claimed to fly to his place anytime, anywhere if he just said a word. Yamaguchi had been studying mediation and mental awareness websites to whisper gentle and assuring words into his ears when he was feeling detached. They had all been visiting a lot more too. Tsukishima appreciated them a lot for caring, he did. But at times like this, Tsukishima doubted their motives.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Don’t get him wrong, he did not doubt why they did what they did. He knew that they were perfectly normal people, who could sympathize and love. He just doubted for whom they were doing all these things. It couldn’t be just Tsukishima. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, he neither was being self-conscious nor had inferior complexity. He was questioning the minimum criteria of who deserved their attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, Bokuto-san, and Yamaguchi were wonderful human beings. They were full of charisma, they were charming, caring, smart, beautiful, and attentive. Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san had fans who often displayed their affection by cheering their matches. Tsukishima could recall several times they were flirted with during dates. Older boys and girls liked Kuroo-san’s sassiness. Bokuto-san was a magnet to outgoing and energetic people. Akaashi-san was a real charmer in the eyes of shy and nerdy types. Not mentioning Yamaguchi, who had won the hearts of several maidens’ hearts in their shared class with his courtesy. The stressed students just loved to have someone as gentle and assuring as Yamaguchi to lean on. They were basically an otome game in real life. All four of them could have had anybody to invest their affection into. It was unfortunate (to them) that they chose Tsukishima. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was not caring, he was not affectionate. He didn’t give a shit about the world surrounding him. He couldn’t even feel the way typical humans did. All he contributed to the world were snarky comments and sarcasm. He just did not fall into the category of “boyfriend material”. The best Tsukishima could offer was his look. He knew he looked good enough for high school students and occasionally older class, but it’s not like they were not beautiful themselves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was sure they could have had this another way, where Tsukishima was just a troubled individual whom they happened to befriend and felt responsible to care for because they were decent human beings. They didn’t have to date him as well or accept any of his almost-literally one-way love conditions. It was ridiculous thinking about how they got here, how Tsukishima got them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>First, he indirectly gained Yamaguchi’s admiration just because he called some kids pathetic. The admiration was soon reversed though. He wondered if Yamaguchi still saw anything in him to admire or be with after these long years of close proximity beside the fact that Yamaguchi and he just be together for so long that the boy couldn’t cut ties with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he again accidentally caught the attention of the Nekoma’s captain, who dragged him deep into the social circle of Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san. Before he realized it, he had become an equipment of their complex social system. He felt like an intruder but didn’t leave because he was feeling too good imposing the ideal friend they thought he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It all turned south the moment they asked him to be the fourth element of their chemistry though. He was dating Yamaguchi at that time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On one hand, he loved Yamaguchi. The freckled boy had grown so much since he was little. Tsukishima had been in crisis because he was worried that the day Yamaguchi deemed him as an ordinary friend was near. Tsukishima didn’t want to let go of the only anchor to being a normal human he had. Needless to say, he was so relieved to hear the boy’s confession. It was shaky, it was full of the confidence Tsukishima didn’t have. He accepted right away and established some physical contact limits, which Yamaguchi wholeheartedly agreed. Deep down, the guilt he had for tying Yamaguchi to him and for taking advantage of Yamaguchi’s asexuality had been eating him since that day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the other hand, he had started to get attached to the seniors. He liked how they pulled him into activities despite his fake reluctance. He didn’t even have to lift a finger to find social contact and exposure. They gave out those things so freely and generously that had Tsukishima addicted. The effect of seeing him more invested in both sports and socializing had done Yamaguchi wonders, too. His best friend slash boyfriend was so proud, Tsukishima could feel it. He almost did too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite what he already had, Tsukishima didn’t decline the men. Instead, he had to hurt Yamaguchi by promising the trio an answer after he thought it out. By that, he meant talking to Yamaguchi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was still nerve-racking when he thought about the day he confessed to Yamaguchi. He didn’t even know about polyamory then. He just felt so stupidly greedy for wanting both relationships. But god bless Yamaguchi for being patient enough to listen through his ranting about why human was a greedy species, how Tsukishima was one of them, how much him appreciated his relationship with Yamaguchi, how fatuous Yamaguchi was for falling for him despite knowing full-well how Tsukishima was because his boyfriend didn’t turn down a confession although he was already been in a relationship and that Yamaguchi had all the right to dump Tsukishima’s ass. Yamaguchi stopped him at that. To be exact, he had grabbed Tsukishima’s face, turned him around because Tsukishima was too much of a coward to face him, and kissed him silent. Out of sudden, Tsukishima wanted to cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did precisely that when Yamaguchi said it was okay in the most gentle voice. He said he had noticed how lively Tsukishima had been when he was with the older. It was the kind of spirit Yamaguchi couldn’t have brought out in Tsukishima because he didn’t have what it needed. He also noticed the way the three looked at Tsukishima. He knew it would be good for Tsukishima to be together with them. He would be more complete.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that point, Tsukishima had thought Yamaguchi was </span>
  <em>
    <span>breaking up</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him. He didn’t expect Yamaguchi to be this stupid, he was so smart. He was supposed to be angry with him, hitting him or something. Not giving up on his own happiness. His vision started to blur, snot clotted his nose, Yamaguchi disappeared, he couldn’t hear anything but his heart, he couldn’t breathe. The last thought he had was that he felt like the worst asshole ever, he was pathetic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was incorrect too. It was the first time Tsukishima had a panic attack and he didn’t even know that it happened. It was Yamaguchi who watched it unfold. It was violent, he said. Tsukishima had gone suddenly still, he didn’t even breathe for two full minutes. Yamaguchi sensed something wrong and tried to shake him out of it but it was a wrong thing to do since Tsukishima proceeded to hyperventilate. For whatever reason, he curled up into a ball, head in crushing grips and he was shaking badly. His muscles locked down, too. Yamaguchi couldn’t go a thing to peel his hands away from his eyes. He was worried Tsukishima was going to hurt his own eyes. He frantically searched the internet for help and luckily found what he needed. He ran to retrieve some ice from the fridge and shoved it directly into Tsukishima's shirt. For the rest of the 20 terrifying minutes, all he could do was hug Tsukishima, and talk to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite so much happening all, Tsukishima couldn’t remember a thing. He knew that he kind of passed out and when he came to it, Yamaguchi was crying and hugging him and his back was extremely cold and wet. After they had all calmed down, Tsukishima was reluctant to admit that he lost control because he thought Yamaguchi was breaking up with him, it was uncool to pull a stunt like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yamaguchi’s reaction was something. He looked like he wanted to slap Tsukishima really hard but couldn’t because he was still scared of what happened. He took a deep breath and fiercely told Tsukishima that he loved him, he would never simply let go of the relationship that was worth basically the majority of his entire life for some old men unless Tsukishima explicitly verbally said so. Therefore, Tsukishima better tell him what the fuck was in his head, not internalizing it and assuming shit because Yamaguchi’s heart could not take any more damage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the record, Tsukishima thought that Yamaguchi was so strong and could definitely take anything coming his way. He was so breathtaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After that, Yamaguchi introduced Tsukishima to the world of LGBT+ and polyamory. He gave his consent to Tsukishima being in a relationship with other individuals besides him. However, those relationships would not include Yamaguchi himself, he exclusively dated Tsukishima. Furthermore, all partners of Tsukishima must be informed of Yamaguchi and vice versa. He at least had the right to know who his cuddlee was shared with. Tsukishima couldn’t love Yamaguchi more. He didn’t deserve him but he was so glad to have known him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At last, he and Yamaguchi took spring break to contact the waiting third year. He had mailed the trio to arrange a meeting at a coffee shop between two cities. All of them must present and Yamaguchi would also be there with him. Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san had questions but they were also nervous so they just followed Tsukishima’s words without objection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the day, as all five of them sat around the table, each had a cup of something in their hands, questions were answered truthfully, they took their time to discuss how things would work, what each of their own position in this relationship would be, what was of boundary and what was off limit. Tsukishima used his freshly learnt sexuality and gender knowledge to fend off any too intimate physical contacts. He set his line at kissing, no skin-to-skin contact under clothes unless verbally consented, no sexual intercourse nor non-penetrative sex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt bad to even propose to have his own downtime. In which, he wouldn’t have to respond to anyone when he wanted. He was selfish like that but surprisingly, they all agreed to it, even Yamaguchi. He had thought he would be upset because not only Tsukishima was sharing his time with </span>
  <em>
    <span>three </span>
  </em>
  <span>more people, but also he wanted time to be alone and not taking responsibility. It was surreal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The meeting ended with a high note. Tsukishima got three more boyfriends and still had Yamaguchi. He felt nauseatingly fantastic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima sighed fondly at the memory. It had been so great dating all of them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Yamaguchi, he loved the cold nights where he cuddled with him. They shared stories of their now separate university life. Yamaguchi calling him Tsukki was endearing. The platonic kisses peppering across Tsukishima’s face were so amazing that they put butterflies in Tsukishima’s stomach. He also loved it when Yamaguchi softly whispered his given name, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kei</span>
  </em>
  <span>, at night. It was the best lullaby. Yamaguchi was the constant he needed to be who he was right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san, they were a different kind of affection. In it Tsukishima was carried away so many times. He enjoyed teaming up with Kuroo-san on Bokuto-san, it was even better when Akaashi-san joined on occasions. He was smart and as sarcastic as Tsukishima. He was also the only one who cared to read about dinosaurs with him. Bokuto-san was all the power of the world. He was always full of energy no matter what, even his down mood was so characteristic. He was the one who lifted the group’s spirit with many stunts and accidents. On the contrary to the two of them, Akaashi-san was a very reliable man. He was the one who reined the dynamic duo in. He was mesmerized by how serene and angelic Akaashi-san was. Reading time with him was soothing and having him read to Tsukishima was like a dream. They were all very affectionate too. Tsukishima loved it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had made the most of his life with them, even if he had only lived for 20 years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although he knew that they had told him to call whenever he was sleepless, he still couldn’t bring himself to disrupt their sleep, any one of them. It was not worth it, sacrificing their sleep just to shield him from a bit of loneliness and darkness. It would be alright when the sun rose. He just had to be mindful not to wander off too far into the dark. There were people waiting for him in the morning.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In the past, Kei was ignorant of his mental wellness (he still is tbh) and wasn't so informed about sexualities and genders so I intentionally made him though like that. Why he is depressed on top of many other problems will be unfolded later.</p><p>Next chapter: promises (maybe)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. One tall two short red socks blue shoes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It was supposed to be light-hearted, was it?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I do not know anything about fashion or clothes. All terms regarding Tsukki's clothes are just a bunch of words I copied online. I can only appreciate beautiful human beings.</p><p>All the words used were considered from Tsukki's POV.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For what it's worth, Tsukishima was a distinguished neutral in daylight.</p><p>He could manage both class and extracurricular activities well enough to have one weekday and the weekend off. He was five courses ahead of the educational program schedule thanks to his University's underestimation of the freshmen. There was nothing but straight As in his result tables even though his attention was most certainly not on the professors. </p><p>It’s not that he disliked them. It was he himself that chose archeology and he loved every subject in the major, including the physics ones. Although there were a few foreign professors taught in his department, there were quite a lot of native ones whose English was too dreadful to listen to. He didn't get why his University insisted that all lectures ought to be delivered in English when they allowed no sabbatical leave for the poor lecturers to at least prepare their English skills. It was a torture to learn something of high education in a language that not even its deliverer was decent at. A matter of fact, he often anonymously sent links to efficient English learning websites and materials to those he deemed in desperate need of assistance. </p><p>Kuroo-san had called him a little shit for doing that but he stood by his ground when at the end of the semester, the assisted professors were much better at English. He even kept receipts of all the love-hate responses he got from said lecturers. It was a joy to be a hero in the dark. Aside from studying, Tsukishima himself got a part-time job which earned him quite a sum. However, it wasn't really part-time, or rather he was a freelancer. People just called whenever they needed someone tall and pretty.</p><p>***</p><p>It happened one day when he was looking through some potential apartments for rent. Akaashi-san had offered to accompany him but Tsukishima knew he was studying for his final examination so he declined. In return, a barbecue party with him, Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san and Yamaguchi was promised later. </p><p>He had visited three places already but Tsukishima was a bit put off by the condition of those rooms. One was old with patches of mold in the corners, one was poorly soundproof as he could hear the neighbor singing Japan’s national anthem through the wall and the last was decent but he had to share the bathroom with 7 more others. He still felt goosebumps rising when thinking about that hellhole of a bathroom. </p><p>Tsukishima thought it’s best if he grabbed something for lunch before getting to the last two options. Hungry Tsukishima was not a good person to deal with. Suddenly, someone grabbed his shoulder and Tsukishima's hair immediately stood on end. He disliked being touched unannounced and especially by strangers. </p><p>Tsukishima shrugged the offending hand off and stepped back to put more distance between him and the person, his expression turned sour. He questioned, "What do you think you are doing?"</p><p>The person turned out to be a woman, who was quite stylish. She was dressed in high-heeled boots with knee-length black silk dress and a wool cardigan. Her violet hair tied back loosely into a ponytail, exposing a patch of fair skin, almost as fair as Tsukishima’s. The smell of her perfume was transmitted to Tsukishima's nose. He tried his best not to sneeze. </p><p>"Oh, my bad! I didn't mean to scare you like that!" She exclaimed.</p><p>"One, you would have thought better before putting your hands on people if you had considered about said people's temper." Tsukishima scolded. "Two, whatever you want, I don't care. Leave me alone."</p><p>“I do apologize for grabbing your shoulder. But hear me out, please. I have something to offer!”</p><p>That didn’t sound suspicious at all. Tsukishima crossed his arms in front of his chest, signaling her to go on. He wanted some lunch, the sooner this ended, the quicker he got his strawberry shortcake.</p><p>“I noticed you walking around this area for quite some time. Say, are you interested in modeling, one that may involve dresses?” She struck a pose at that.</p><p>Tsukishima took another step back. “My answer is no. I’m busy, try fooling someone else next time.”</p><p>“Wait!” She grabbed his arm again just as he turned around to leave but immediately let go when Tsukishima scolded. </p><p>“Geeze! Why are young people so impatient nowadays! I swear I am not playing with you. How about I treat you to some lunch? I know a place with great desserts.” She pointed at a cafe restaurant nearby. “You can listen to my offer and if you don’t like it, at least you got a free meal. How is that?”</p><p>“...Is there any strawberry shortcake?” Tsukishima asked.</p><p>“Yes,-” She looked puzzled ”-there is.”</p><p>“Fine. Lead the way.” Tsukishima sighed.</p><p>One kara-age rice, strawberry shortcake and brief introduction later, Tsukishima sat silently listening to the girl’s story. </p><p>“My friends and I have a clothing line, which is dedicated to androgynous fashion. When I was in university, I met the head of the line in the theater club, who is an amazing designer, and soon became a close friend with them.” </p><p>Tsukishima didn’t miss how she referred to the person. </p><p>“Things started with a blog on which we posted pictures of our products, fashion tips, and sewing advice. Along the way, we recruited more members into the team and built the whole line. The name is Starry night. We now collaborate with a few trusted fashion magazines.” Her face turned from proud to grim. “However, we have been having some trouble finding models lately since we started doing shoots with models instead of just clothes. Although androgyny is quite a popular expression in Japan. It is still hard to find a face in the modeling industry who is willing to participate. We can’t afford professionals and amateurs are not so open about the idea, especially men.”</p><p>“Oh, if you do not define as a male, I do apolo-”</p><p>“I do.” Tsukishima cut Murasaki off. “What you are saying is, you are looking for genderless-looking type for models and you choose me?”</p><p>“Correct.” She thumped up.</p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“Uhm, you fit the criteria.” She pointed out. “Slender figure, good-looking, advantaged in height and nice side view, too.”</p><p>Tsukishima looked at her skeptically. Never had he ever regarded himself as “androgynous.” He did get called beanpole and too thin by some but things stopped at that. It didn’t cross his mind that he could be viewed as such. He didn’t oppose it though.</p><p>Naomi checked the time and said, “It’s time for me to go but if you are interested, please contact this number.” She scribbled a line of numbers on a card and slid it over to him. “In case you are under 18, which I doubt but still possible, you can have your guardians to represent! I am looking forward to hearing from you~”</p><p>She bid her goodbye and left, leaving Tsukishima to the well-designed visiting card. After a quick search on his mobile phone, everything was verified. Murasaki Naomi was a real identity and Starry Night was indeed an existing company. </p><p>In general, most of the photos were a bit eccentric in a sense. Tsukishima scrolled through their catalog leisurely. The clothes were dynamic and stylish. Some were elegant with monochromes and minimum designs, some were aesthetic with exploding colors and crazy arts. A few were graceful with pastels. The one thing in common was that he could never tell the gender of the models. It didn’t matter though, they wore those clothes well. He found them tasteful as well.</p><p>Two days later, Tsukishima picked up his phone and spoke to Murasaki-san. They had agreed that he would only be a freelancer since he was still studying. Photoshoots wouldn’t interfere with his study schedule, they would try their best to save the less revealing clothes for Tsukishima. He said that he didn’t mind having his email being passed to other people in the industry but he wouldn't promise to answer any offer he deemed unfit.</p><p>In terms of salary and payment method, he had done some research on a freelancer's pay and proposed an average pay level, which they accepted. He gave them his mail address, contact number, and other requirements. They signed a contract to establish the deal and Tsukishima departed with a stage name “Amaya” and a photo shoot in the following week, they were in dire need of models. </p><p>What even better was that his soon-to-be boss, Taiki Fuji a.k.a Ta-chan, knew the city inside out and enthusiastically gave him a few great places for students. He went to visit their personal recommendation in the afternoon. </p><p>It was a traditional Japanese house of an elder woman who lived with two cats. Despite being old the house was clean and spacious. In the backyard was a garden, which all occupants of the house were welcome to make use of as long as they helped to tend with her. She had started renting out the place a few years after her sons moved out and had kept the price the same for years because she didn’t need that much money anyway. </p><p>Tsukishima was led to a 6-tatami room on the second floor then left to inspect alone. He checked every nook and corner for mold and was relieved to find none. The shared bathroom at the end of the hall was also scrutinized. It looked pristine to him. With such good quality and living conditions, Tsukishima was amazed that the place still had a vacancy. He took the room immediately.</p><p>As he was having a barbecue with his boyfriends, they were surprised that he took the job but one sentence- “What? You don’t think I look good enough to be a model?”- accompanied by a condescending look and a smirk on his lips was quick to shut them up. Again, he knew he looked good. </p><p>He asked Akaashi-san to join him too but the man declined, saying he was too far away for a job. Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san sulked when Tsukishima didn’t extend the offer to them but saying that they were too handsome was all it needed to start makeout session. He knew Yamaguchi inside out to understand that there was no way he fantasized such a thing. However, he was the one with the most dramatic reaction by sputtering and went full red. He vowed to buy any issues with him on it, at which Tsukishima snickered. </p><p>***</p><p>Since he moved to university, Tsukishima had done quite a lot of modeling. Taiki-san was thrilled to have him. They always looked excited to dress Tsukishima up, throwing as many clothes in his direction as possible in the span of two hours Tsukishima was paid. They made Tsukishima test out all the possible expressions, poses, characteristics to find the most outstanding effect that would compliment both the design and him. Unsurprisingly, it was either pompous simplicity or elegant icy. He was too reluctant to play as anything else anyway.</p><p>Sometimes, Tsukishima felt like a clothing rack because all he did was put on a bunch of clothes, none photo taken and got paid. Occasionally, he was given stuff of a photoshoot by Taiki-san, saying that the piece was meant to be for him. The free clothes upgraded his wardrobe quite extremely, he did not miss how his boyfriends practically <em>drooled </em>the moment they saw him in <a href="http://www.windycitymediagroup.com/images/publications/wct/2015-09-01/Jogging--picbyLeonaLiang.jpg">leather leggings, double-layered long-sleeved cowl neck mesh jacket</a>, and leather shoes. It also saved him some pocket money. </p><p>To return Taiki-san’s favor, he put a little more effort into the job. Much time was spent reading amateur model blogs and etiquette. He often found himself looking at models’ expressions and mimicking them, which was in private of course.</p><p>As more pictures with him in it were released, more photographers knew of his existence, which led him to sign up for an email address just for work-related matters. However, he didn’t go any great lengths like blogging or advertising himself, modeling was just a side job. His goal laid hundreds of feet under the ground in the form of fossils and rocks.</p><p>Nevertheless, Tsukishima’s fame reached him even before he knew of it. He had noticed that his ever low profile in university was no longer efficacious as here and there, there were heads turning his way whenever he passed by. Even in the shopping district, in the mall, there would be a few heads directing at him. </p><p>The problem finally came to him when he was sitting with Yamaguchi in a book coffeeshop. The freckled boy dared him to read the most bizarre book they could find for each other, which led to Tsukishima staring intensely at Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigating Made Easy while he frowned at How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.</p><p>“Are you suggesting something-” They both said at the same time. Yamaguchi giggled as Tsukishima snorted.</p><p>Suddenly, someone spoke up from behind him, “Ex-excuse me!”</p><p>Tsukishima turned around to face a girl who looked far too young to go out alone and talk to strangers.</p><p>“Um, are you Ayama-san?” She asked, clutching tightly on a very familiar magazine.</p><p>It took him a few seconds to remember that was his stage name. He looked at the name of the magazine, his latest issue.</p><p>“No, I am not.” He denied. </p><p>The girl turned tomato-red, eyes darting back and forth between her magazine and Tsukishima’s face. “B-but-”</p><p>“I believe you mistook me for someone else. Now go back to your mom, she must be waiting.” Tsukishima smiled distantly.</p><p>“Sorry for bothering y-you!” she quickly apologized and ran away flustered.</p><p>“Tsukki, as interesting it is to watch, you didn’t have to be so cold to that little girl.” Yamaguchi winced on the opposite of Tsukishima.</p><p>“Yamaguchi, do you know what that means?” Tsukishima asked out of nowhere.</p><p>“Erm, her crush is crushed?” </p><p>“No, it means there are possibly people who recognize me.” He hissed to himself.</p><p>“Is it a bad thing?” Yamaguchi puzzled.</p><p>“Yes, they are more boisterous now. My peace will be disrupted.” He didn’t like the idea at all.</p><p>“Oh, come on, Tsukki. It can’t be that bad.” Yamaguchi laughed. “Why don’t we go back to reading? We did have each other a book <em> with all your hearts </em>.” </p><p>Tsukishima quirked an eyebrow at Yamaguchi. He huffed. “Fine.”</p><p>Things went smoothly for the rest of the evening. They made fun of the content of the books, had a western dinner with floppy fries and strawberry shortcake then went drinking. Yamaguchi both talked and drank too much. He ended up too wasted so he stayed the night at Tsukishima’s place. The taller man gave him his softest pajamas and a spare toothbrush. </p><p>At night, Tsukishima laid next to Yamaguchi's sleeping form, listening to his breathing in the dark. His gaze bore onto the closed lids of his beautiful eyes for an indeterminable time. To the point, every trace of moonlight vanished and Yamahguchi’s eye socks hollowed out into two tunneling holes. It was as if he was looking at an ominous version of Yamaguchi from a different realm.</p><p> </p><p><em> " </em> <b> <em>He</em> </b> <em> who fights with monsters should be careful lest </em> <b> <em>he</em> </b> <em> thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long </em> <b> <em>into</em> </b> <em> an </em> <b> <em>abyss</em> </b> <em> , the </em> <b> <em>abyss</em> </b> <em> will also gaze </em> <b> <em>into</em> </b> <em> thee." </em></p><p> </p><p>“Hello, Tsukki!” A familiar voice singsonged.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The eye trick works. You can have my words.</p><p>Next: promises (finally?)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Alone with company</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There were rational thoughts, there were irrational thoughts. And then there were dreams.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Look out for italicized parts.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the record, Tsukishima did not have Schizophrenia. It was just easier to avoid internal conflict when the voices in his head were separated.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Look at Yamaguchi! He is beautiful, isn’t he? </em>
</p><p>There was no doubt.</p><p> </p><p><em> How come he loved you again? </em> <em> <br/></em>Childhood friends trope and the human instinct to resist changes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> No wonder, he did spend a lot of time with you. However, Yamaguchi is strong. One day, he will be able to overcome such nonsensical fear and leave you for good. </em>
</p><p>Tsukishima didn’t need such a reminder.</p><p> </p><p><em> It doesn’t need to be said, he could have anyone, Tsukki. Really, anyone. Someone who could show him affection openly, someone who would be gentle with him, give him all the love he wanted, someone who actually put effort into life, someone who wasn’t so troubled, someone </em> <b> <em>not you</em> </b> <em> . </em></p><p>Yamaguchi was not some fragile maiden. He knew what he got into. </p><p> </p><p><em>What if you are wrong?</em> <em>Maybe he wanted someone who did not hurt him.</em></p><p>Tsukishima accidentally clicked his tongue. Couldn’t it be over already? He made promises to fix that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Promises?” You mean those little lies you swore by? Tsukki, you know they are not gonna work, or rather you are not going to be able to follow through on those. Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking just the other day on that bus? </em>
</p><p>It was just a fleeting thought. No harm was done.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Wrong. You were wishing for the bus to be hit. It would be even better if your seat was the collision spot. No one would blame you. Here’s another, remember the pull every time you cross a bridge? You wanted to “slip” and fall down, your body disappears into the water. No one would be able to find you.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Speaking of disappearing, vanishing into the wood must be great too. It leaves people with the benefits of a doubt, whether you are just lost but alive or dead and rotten into mush. Time is the best medicine. Eventually, people will stop looking for you and stop being sad. You have had so many opportunities when doing field research.  </em>
</p><p>The man frowned. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It’s not like there isn’t a whole plan to “anonymously” travel to Aokigahara in your phone. One click and you have your one-way ticket to eternal relief.  </em>
</p><p>But he didn’t actually carry out anything. He was still living, wasn’t he?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yeah, but you promised to share once such thinking came up. That didn’t happen. How about we talk about what did happen?  </em>
</p><p>Stop.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was funny seeing you brush it off at first. Thinking that it didn’t matter if you hadn’t eaten probably in days? Kuroo-san wouldn’t have missed your bones digging into his side. Plus, there was no way for Akaashi-san to not notice that you stopped having dinner with them or Yamaguchi to not be wary that you were just drinking tea when you went on a coffee date.  </em>
</p><p><em>“I’m not feeling like it” or “I’m full” didn’t last long didn’t they? They questioned and you deflected. Bokuto-san was so devastated that you weren't around at the table anymore, he even apologized and promised that he wouldn't be overbearing and force you to eat too much just to have you eat with him. How ironic it was. He apologized for </em><b><em>caring about</em></b> <b><em>you</em></b><em> when it's clearly you who neglected him and the rest.</em></p><p>He didn’t mean to. It just slipped his mind whether he had eaten or not. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Slipped your mind? Like how you “forgot” your dates several times, how you missed their birthdays, how you silenced their messages, how you were oblivious to their feelings, how you stopped caring for them altogether? You ignored them for weeks.  </em>
</p><p>He couldn’t help it. The days were blending together. Time was abstract then. He didn’t even realize it until someone pointed it out, which he wished hadn’t happened. He claimed to have not seen Yamaguchi for days despite just meeting with the man around that time. He gave Kuroo-san his birthday present two days early because he forgot to check the date, thinking that he was late. They asked him if he was doing okay. Absent-mindedness was not his thing.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yes, it was horrendous. You spent useless time studying just because you mistook examination dates, kept looking at your phone to check date and time but still were late, making Yamaguchi and the trio wait, overslept on presentation day and making fun of yourself. How embarrassing. </em>
</p><p>It wasn’t. They were not big deals. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I think they were. You lost easy points because you were reading the questions carelessly because you panicked. You were a clown in front of everyone as your voice wavered on the stage. Someone had to tell you to speak up because they couldn’t hear your presentation. You made your boyfriends sad because you hadn’t spent time with them and when you did, you made them angry because they had to wait for your stupid ass. </em>
</p><p>No, he knew who he dated. They were not petty like that.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yes, your boyfriends were so generous. But any generosity has to come to an end one day. Just admit it, they are fed up with all your shits- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi stirred. The illusion of hollow eyes broke. The man mumbled cutely in his sleep, something about fried pork chops and curry. They could have curry for breakfast. Tsukishima had just dug up some potatoes and onions from the garden. He could even make fries for Yamaguchi. He didn’t have any curry powder though. He would have to borrow from the landlord. He would go grocery shopping for her in return. </p><p>That was it for future plans. To be frank, Tsukishima had never thought of his future after high school graduation. Somehow, all dreams and fantasy only existed up to the nineteenth year of his life, one year ago. Future beyond 19 was unfathomable but he did have one anyway. It was longer than anything he expected, Tsukishima was not prepared. </p><p>He didn’t have any passion or dream career to direct his future to but all kinds of choices were suddenly laid in front of his eyes. He had clung to the only thing he liked, archeology. It served as a temporary goal and an entertainment, making advancing in life more bearable. In the limited certainty of an imaginable milestone, he could see clearly what he needed to do. It could be said that he was near-sighted both literally and figuratively. Tsukishima lived the present day by day but was stuck in the past night by night.</p><p>The uncertainty of what laid beyond graduation, when the current goal was reached, nagged at him every night. <em> What would he do? Must there be more goals set? If so, how many goals would it take to reach the end? When would this stop? Would he ever be happy for onc- </em></p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi rolled into Tsukishima’s opening chest. He followed the warmth of Tsukishima’s body, snuggling to his front. The boy wrapped an arm around Tsukishima’s waist, pulling them together. His head found its way to Tsukishima’s neck, tugging himself under the blond’s chin. Tsukishima relaxed into his hold.</p><p>Yamaguchi had always been warm whenever he slept. Since they were kids and only allowed movie nights, Tsukishima often looked for hints of raising body temperature from Yamaguchi when they were laying together. He would offer to watch the rest of the movie another time to keep Yamaguchi from fighting his sleepiness to watch a few more minutes of bad cinematic. It was a little thing he kept from Yamaguchi. Tsukishima could stay up until 3 a.m. but he would never make Yamaguchi push his bedtime just to accompany him.</p><p>Sometimes, Tsukishima admitted he got a weird thing for sleep. Any sleep was more important than him and he would choose to talk to himself in the dark over disrupting someone’s sleep any day. It was a screwed priority but let’s not dive too deep into that.</p><p>Tsukishima wanted to get that sleep tonight, with Yamaguchi. He tried to unwind his mind. He imagined being a fossil. He was a majestic being rendered to nothing but skin and bones. His remains buried under the earth for thousands of years. Unless someone found him, he had nothing to care about. Tsukishima closed his eyes and let himself lose in the scent of Yamaguchi’s shampoo.</p><p> </p><p>[A dream]</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima was walking along the outdoor hallway of his high school.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yamaguchi was next to him. He was laughing about the festival they had just been to.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was amusing watching high schoolers trying their best to gain attention.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He giggled upon remembering a drag show earlier. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>  It was cute as hell. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They reached the bike’s parking lot. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yamaguchi and Tsukishima turned sideways and faced each other. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Tsukki, today was amazing.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “It was enjoyable for me too.” </em>
</p><p><em> <br/></em> <em> “See you tomorrow, Tsukki. I’m glad you had fun.” </em></p><p>
  <em> “Later, Yamaguchi. You were amazing today, too.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They parted ways. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yamaguchi took his bike, and turned around, waving goodbye to Tsukishima the last time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima stood there and watched him go. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was the end of the day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He had a good time with Yamaguchi.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was so light-hearted and happy.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima was so happy that he could die at that very moment without regret. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He did. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Ah, so this is life. I had so much fun. I'm satisfied now." Tsukishima thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He would always treasure this moment. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> One by one, Tsukishima willed his organs to shut off.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It wasn’t painful at all. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His heart stopped and Tsukishima fell on the ground.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His happy ending was near. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sounds faded away. His vision would be next. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It didn’t happen though. On the ground, Tsukishima caught a glimpse of Yamaguchi. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> For some reason, Yamaguchi had turned around. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima didn’t want to let Yamaguchi see this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The boy was looking at him with worried eyes.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He ran to Tsukishima, calling his name frantically. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He might have not read it right the first time but Tsukishima had loved every single time he called him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yamaguchi was kneeling by Tsukishima’s side now.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He looked worried sick. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He had waited until he was alone to die but Yamaguchi came back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima couldn’t make him watch him die. Yamaguchi would be sad. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He shouldn’t be sad. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> With that, Tsukishima willed his body to live one more time. He couldn’t bear breaking Yamaguchi’s heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He reassured Yamaguchi that things were fine. He didn’t have to worry about anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Magically, Yamaguchi accepted that without any excuse. He still looked worried but they parted ways again. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>[Another]</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima was walking along the outdoor hallway of his high school again. He knew his destination.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They reached the bike’s parking lot. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He cleared his throat to catch the trio’s attention. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Thank you, today was fun.” </em>
</p><p><em> “It was enjoyable for us too.” </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> “See you tomorrow, Tsukki. I’m glad you had fun.”</em></p><p>
  <em>“It was awesome, Tsukkiii!.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They parted ways. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Akaashi-san nodded at Tsukishima, light twinkled in his eyes. Kuroo-san hooked his arm over Bokuto-san’s shoulders and turned around, waving goodbye to Tsukishima the last time.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima stood there and watched them go. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was the end of the day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He had a good time with them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was so light-hearted and happy.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima was so happy that he could die at that very moment without regret. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He did. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Ah, so this is life. I had so much fun. I'm satisfied now." Tsukishima thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He would always treasure this moment. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> One by one, Tsukishima willed his organs to shut off.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It wasn’t painful at all. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His heart stopped and Tsukishima fell on the ground.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> His happy ending was near. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sounds faded away. His vision would be next. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It didn’t happen though. On the ground, Tsukishima caught a glimpse of Kuroo-san, who was ahead of Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> For some reason, they had turned around. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima didn’t want to let them see this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The trio was looking at him with worried eyes.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kuroo-san ran to Tsukishima, calling his name frantically. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The nickname was not supposed to be for them to call but Tsukishima had loved every single time they called him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Akaashi-san was kneeling by Tsukishima’s side now.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He looked worried sick. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Bokuto-san was downright bawling. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He had waited until he was alone to die but they had come back. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Tsukishima couldn’t make them watch him die. Everyone would be sad. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> None of them should be sad. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> With that, Tsukishima willed his body to live one more time. He couldn’t bear breaking those four’s hearts. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He reassured them that things were fine. They didn’t have to worry about anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Magically, they accepted that without any excuse. The men still looked worried but they parted ways again. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Maybe another time, Tsukishima opened his eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Only one promise was mentioned in this chapter. There will be more but I thought that it was way too early for those heavy-duty ones. So, maybe next time?</p><p>Next: The trio makes an appearance. (For sure)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Life experience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tsukishima and the senior went to a club.<br/>What could go wrong? Quite a lot!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter has non-consensual elements! Please click back if you are no okay with it.</p><p>I totally wrote this instead of studying for a big quiz on Financial accounting.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was after the final examination. The trio had survived theirs three days ago and Tsukishima had just aced his last subject this afternoon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had made plans to celebrate the occasion. Tsukishima would spend the weekend packing and getting together with Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san. He would meet up with Yamaguchi next week and they would all go camping together. Tsukishima knew a great place with both lakes and mountains. It was perfect for summer break because one, it was magically cheap when booking in groups and two, they all couldn’t afford air-conditioners. They needed a break to relax before summer heat blasted with full force. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima was going to the club with the seniors tonight to “experience life,” Kuroo-san said. Bokuto swore it would be fun and even Akaashi-san claimed it could be enjoyable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san had instructed Tsukishima to wear the clothes on the daring side of his closet because he was the only one who hadn’t been to a club and didn’t know the dress code. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But not anything you would be uncomfortable in!” Bokuto-san chirped in, Akaashi-san agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They picked him up at ten and Tsukishima had to remind Kuroo-san to keep his eyes on the road constantly because apparently, he didn’t expect Tsukishima to wear clothes </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> daring. He had picked Starry Night’s most recent collection, whose theme happened to be bewitching and mystical. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The frilly top was double-layered. The inner layer’s purpose was mostly to provide more coverage with </span>
  <a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/YlrUvGjSFojG-0JaIBI1_2-lEO8MTzTPdPqe5RzdI7hj3Gocfkqh-JlS4RDoobjx-Razq8-o97n84cQt_DtQmA0NX0yYWf9nEIYqtGx_fw1TINLKiZYCNORpTGaupe2qSHKGyrGn4lmVSJyQYkj1wuns">
    <span>Australian Aboriginal fabric</span>
  </a>
  <span>. It had a snakeskin pattern in greyish silver and black background. Tsukishima loved the eccentric feeling it brought upon close inspection. The outer layer was loose </span>
  <a href="http://nikkidesignerfabric.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/4yds-IMPORTED-LACE-FABRIC-EMBROIDERED-METALLIC-GOLD-NET-2.jpg">
    <span>french net</span>
  </a>
  <span> with golden embroidered patterns. It was pinched several places on the front while leaving his back bare. Akaashi-san couldn’t rip his eyes off that exposed part of his skin for a long, long moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bottom was quite simple, it was a </span>
  <a href="https://s1.img.yan.vn/YanNews/2167221/201605/20160528-105744-3_600x524.JPG">
    <span>long slit pencil bottom</span>
  </a>
  <span> with a safety-measure inner layer which kept the dress from revealing too much of his thighs. He was told that his legs looked divine in it. Bokuto-san kind of short-circuited when he saw Tsukishima stepped on the car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He also put on a pair of </span>
  <a href="https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0600/8569/products/87-5H9Y-N69T.main_1024x1024.jpg?v=1571630036">
    <span>crescent-moon-shaped golden teardrop earrings</span>
  </a>
  <span>. They twinkled whenever Tsukishima moved. He liked the way they highlighted his jaw and neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima thought he underestimated the power of his outfit choice. There were audible gulps whenever he shifted his legs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san was all red and whining at Akaashi-san's neck. “Akaaaaashiiii, it’s not fair to let people see Tsukki like this! Why do we only see this now? I don’t want to share him or let anyone look his way at all!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Next to him, Akaashi-san didn’t even look away from Tsukishima’s neck as he quietly responded, “Yes, I agreed that I would very much want to keep this Tsukishima to ourselves but sadly, we hadn’t suggested him dressing like this sooner. It was a grave mistake on our part and now we would have to bear with it and maybe salvage the loss of beautiful Tsukishima in private later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Over the sound of radio music, Tsukishima feigned looking out of the window, pretending he didn’t hear anything at all although it was flattering. He knew they were indirectly convincing him to dress up for them later. It’s not like he opposed but he wanted to hear this out a little more. It was fun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He also wanted to pay them back for not telling him that they would dress up that </span>
  <em>
    <span>nicely </span>
  </em>
  <span>to the club. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about Bokuto-san’s net tank top or Kuro-san’s ripped jeans or Akaashi-san’s luminous galaxy make-up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they arrived, it took them no time to wait in the line because Kuroo-san knew the security guy, Jay. He claimed to know the place inside out as he led them to a vacant booth. Akaashi-san and Bokuto-san introduced him to the beverage variety and side dishes. They served </span>
  <em>
    <span>chicken wings</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Bokuto-san loved them. Tsukishima settled for a cocktail first, not wanting something too strong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima went with Kuroo-san to get their first round of drink because he told him the bartenders’ skill was amazing. They were, in fact, impressive. The four of them worked in rhythm with the booming background music while both taking and bringing out orders without making mistakes. Bottles and cups flew around the bar as people oo-ed and ah-ed at their performance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of them spotted Kuroo-san and yelled his name. “Tetsurou, you hyena! Where have you been? Haven’t seen you around for weeks!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yo, Kiri! University was killing me with projects and finals but I’m all free now! How are you bro?” Kuroo-san laughed like a hyena.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, busy as always. Especially with universities taking a break.”-He spotted Tsukishima, then winked- “Now </span>
  <em>
    <span>who</span>
  </em>
  <span> is this beauty? Kuroo, don’t you tell me you have got another boyfriend when you were away!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? So he brought others than me here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kiri-san’s face turned ashen,he jerked, “Holy shit! Bro! You didn’t tell him that you have others? You were cheating on both him and them?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so Tetsurou-san?” Tsukishima spoke chillingly, “You are cheating on me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“NO! Oh my god no! Tsukki! It was just Bokuto and Akaashi! I am not cheating!” Kuroo-san didn’t expect the turn of events. He panicked as Tsukishima took a step away from him, his face was colored with disdain. “Tsukki babe! No! Tsukishima-sama! Believe me! I swear! I only have you, Bo and Akaashi! You knew this!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He then proceeded to count the number of boyfriends he had, listing names and dating history, with his finger as Kiri-san exclaimed dramatically in the background that he shouldn’t cheat. Kuroo-san looked nearly in tears when it had been five minutes and Tsukishima didn’t look an ounce believe him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the opposite, Kiri-san chastised him, “Kuroo, bro! I can’t believe you cheated, look at how sad Tsukishima-kun is-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukki no! It wasn’t like that!” Kuroo-san cut him off mid-sentence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kuroo, I have to say, you are”-Kiri-san continued as if nothing happened- “hilarious as hell! Ha ha ha ha!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima burst out laughing too. Kuroo-san’s shocked face was priceless. He couldn’t believe this man studied advanced chemistry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a while Kiri-san. How’s Starry Night?” Tsukishima smiled at Kiri-san. He had always been his favorite make-up artist at the place. They were both mean and sarcastic, clicking almost right away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s all good! Ta-chan is looking forward to your return, Amaya-kun. How was your examination?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It went smoothly. I will be back soon, but not after some destress time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san looked dumbly between them, he yelled at last. “Hey! You two knew each other from the start!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, haven’t I told you Kuroo-san? He is my colleague.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? You haven’t-....wait. You have. Oh my god! That was the worst prank ever! How could I make the connection? You two are the worst!” He cried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you!” They said in unison then burst out laughing again. Kuroo-san looked like he regret bringing Tsukishima here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They returned to their table with a tray of drinks and some buffalo wings for Bokuto-san. Tsukishima himself got some french fries and shared them with Akaashi-san. They laughed and talked. Kuroo told the rest about Tsukishima's crime of making him nearly have a heart-attack by accusing him of cheating then was left heart-broken when even Bokuto-san laughed at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As more drinks were downed, Bokuto-san became restless. Akaashi-san took his cue to lead him to the dance floor before he bounced their whole sitting bench off. They soon disappeared into the sea of people. Kuroo-san asked him if he wanted to dance but Tsukishima declined. He saw no joy in sweating with a bunch of people in a poorly ventilated box.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They drank and flirted for a good time. Tsukishima was a bit buzzed even when he had only had cocktails. They didn’t realize when the drinks had run out. Kuroo-san stood up to order some more for Bokuto and Akaashi when they returned. Tsukishima volunteered to keep their booth because he was feeling a bit dizzy, not wanting to push his way to the bar with his stage. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san left with a nod and told him to come to the bar if there was anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima let his gaze drift to the people vibrating on the dance floor. He tried to look for Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san but couldn’t even see any face clearly in the dimly lit room. The music was too distracting. Before Tsukishima knew it, there was a stranger approaching him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was dressed in black shirt and pants, his collar buttons loosened to expose some skin. Not that it was anything compared to Bokuto-san’s pecs. The man sent Tsukishima flirty eyes and started small-talking, which Tsukishima absolutely hated. He tried to chase him away with short answers and curt attitude but he didn’t seem to take the hint at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took Tsukishima no time to realize that he was being hit on by the most disgusting piece of shit on earth because the moment he declined the guy’s sex offer with “No. I am not and never will be interested in sex with anyone. Now go away, you are being a bother,” shits started to go down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Are you a virgin?” Somehow, the man dropped everything else in Tsukishima’s sentence and drilled on that part.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima twitched, it was getting exponentially more irritating. Nonetheless, he took his reaction as a yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, doe-eyes! How would you know how amazing it is then? You have never had it, have you?” His eyes dragged sickeningly over Tsukishima with sudden hunger now. He licked his lips as his gaze bore into the exposed skin of Tsukishima’s leg. “I know you would love it. Beauties like you are the prettiest sucking my dick. In fact, I would love to have those long legs of yours warped around me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment he put his dirty hand on Tsukishima’s thigh, he thought “That’s it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima dumped his last drink on the fucker. Things needed to be sterilized from this rat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man, whose hand recoiled to wipe his eyes, sputtered as his eyes burned. What a shame the alcohol didn’t kill him like it did with germs. “What the fuck?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is your last warning. Fuck off.” Tsukishima clicked his tongue in disgust. “People come here to have fun, not to witness a major failure of natural selection being you. You are a stain of human civilization. Even prehistoric reptiles had more shame than you. No one wants you near their vicinity with that repellent attitude of yours. Stop polluting the air and fuck off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cockroach took a moment to digest what Tsukishima said, then he began fuming. “Bitch, you acted all high horsed leading me and now you insulted me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You clearly don’t understand human language. What part of go away and fuck off that you don’t get, huh?” He scolded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen here, bitch. Drop the act already. Everyone knows that you women were just asking to be fucked when you mention that bullshit about ‘not interested in sex.’ What were all these slutty clothes for if you weren’t asking for dicks?” The man spat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Never had Tsukishima ever been so disgusted by a supposed-to-be-intelligent being. His stomach twisted from repugnance. Did the fucker even </span>
  <em>
    <span>think </span>
  </em>
  <span>before talking shit? His mother must regret him. Tsukishima felt bad for all the girls who came across this revolting presence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First of all, your mom must be so regretful to have paid nine months of her precious life just to get something like you in return. Not that you matter but since your mistakes are likely to be associated with the education she gave you, not your rotten personality, you will most certainly disgrace her reputation. You disrespect women despite being given life by one of them. No woman has to please your ridiculously foolish ass. They are way above you and your stupidity. Stop being so arrogant and know your place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Second of all, it seems besides having a rare case of brain-dead, you are also dull-witted as the person you have been trying to annoy is a man with a dick just like you but with more manners and common sense. I suggest getting your appointment to a neurologist or psychiatrist to have the mush in your head checked as soon as possible. And then </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe, </span>
  </em>
  <span>you will have a brain cell to operate on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tsukishima walked away, not wanting to spend any more words on such incompetence of a human. Unfortunately, the said person didn’t want to let it slide. Just as he was turning around, the man caught his arm in a bruising grip, jerking Tsukishima violently back to face him. Tsukishima’s back hit the chair, which hurt like a bitch but he paid it no mind. All his consciousness was on the contacted skin of his arm. The man’s hand was awfully sticky for some reason. Tsukishima chillingly realized that the alcohol in his blood was giving him a hard time jerking away. He tensed, goosebumps raised on his entire arm. He felt gross all over. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before things escalated, a figure put himself between Tsukishima and the man as their hand pried the offending hand of Tsukishima’s arm. Despite the suffocating air of the club, Tsukishima recognized the familiar cologne. His body relaxed almost instantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san stood before Tsukishima, shielding him behind his broad back. He spoke cheerily. “What do you think you are doing to Tsukki here, pal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san didn’t seem to mean the word pal at all. There was a sinister factor coloring his signature smirk. The hand he was holding in his was turning white and shaking. The offender’s face twisted in pain. He yelled. “What the hell? Who the fuck are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone you shouldn’t mess with.” Out of nowhere, Bokuto appeared from behind the man, seizing his arms with the killing strength of a spiker. He was also smiling but it was a perversion of his booming good-nature. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukishima-kun, are you okay?” Akaashi-san approached Tsukishima from his right. His expression was icy and directed to the strange face among their group. He put himself before Tsukishima despite not being that threatening compared to two buffed volleyball players. He bet Akaashi-san’s instinct to protect his junior was kicking in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” Tsukishima assured him. “Just some minor inconvenience.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The offender had just realized his not so favorable situation as he was surrounded by three people and two of them obviously had a physical advantage over him. In a moment of panic, he lashed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The fuck? Are you their bitch too, you pervert?” He looked at Tsukishima then directed his eyes to Kuroo-san and Akaashi-san. “Men don’t dress like that. Only sluts do. Is it fun having a bitch dress however you like? Did he use the “not interested in sex’ to hook you up too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on man, you can have way better things than his ass.” He laughed vulgarly at Tsukishima. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san’s face darkened considerably the more the man talked. The smirk on his face had frozen two sentences ago. Tsukishima thought Bokuto-san was ready to kill someone as well with the way veins popped on his forehead. The man was too busy laughing to notice Bokuto-san’s teeth grinding together chillingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of fist colliding a face was too sweet. Akaashi-san had cut him with a sudden punch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut the fuck up.”-It was rare to see him swear- “Don’t you dare degrade him. He is a million times better than you scum. He has the right to dress however he likes, not to please anyone. He is not subjected to anyone opinion on sex, especially garbage like you. He is his own person with his own choice of fashion and level of intimacy. Anything of him deserves to be respected as such!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You are not entitled to judge anyone. If he said no then it’s a no. Do not turn it into some sexist bullshit just because your non-existent pride can’t take a rejection. Instead of making a fool of your pompous ass, you should just walk away with a tail between your legs because we all know barking dogs seldom bite.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“T-The fuck you just sai-” The man flabbergasted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kuroo-san clicked his tongue. He wrenched roughly the shocked man down by the hand he was holding. Bokuto-san loosened his grip almost in sync with him to let the staggering man nearly trip, then yanked him back up. The jerk’s face turned red with anger but there was little thing he could do with Bokuto-san’s vice-like grip as he squirmed like a worm trying to escape. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have no right to treat me like this! I will call the police!” He threatened emptily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh~ Are you now?” Kuroo-san hummed. “But why didn’t you think of the same when you put your hands on people and offended them, huh? First you sexually harassed my friend, then you made statements like that. Tell me, do you really think you can get out of troubles that easily, especially when you just </span>
  <em>
    <span>call</span>
  </em>
  <span> for it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind him, Bokuto-san spoke up. “Yeah man! That was not cool at all. Playing victim when you are the troublemaker. I bet I can knock as much of your teeth as the number of digits you dial before the police get here. I think it’s high time he learned a lesson or two about manners, don’t you think Kuroo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, absolutely, Bo!” Kuroo-san taunted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They went back and forth for a while like that. Listing what they could do with the imbecile. Tsukishima was impressed with how much “fun” Kuroo-san could come up with using just alcohol and a decorating umbrella. He guessed chemistry students were not to mess, at all. Surprisingly, Bokuto-san understood all the stuff and even added more with wilder imagination. Last but not least, Akaashi-san was the most worrisome one with his knowledge of kidnapping techniques and medieval torture methods. Tsukishima didn’t expect that from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man was shaking like a leaf when the security guy, Jay, came up. He looked between the four of them and the captive man, then asked. “Is there trouble?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Help me! They came from nowhere and harassed me! That blond one is a pervert who dresses like girls to approach them!” The moron claimed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey hey hey! That’s not nice at all.” Bokuto-san tutted. “You see, this man right here,”-he shook the man up- “was bothering Tsukki and laid his hand on him without consent. I believe it is not the first time he causes trouble like this. We promise we are good guys, bro. You should be concerned more about him than us. I’m Bokuto, by the way.” Bokuto-san was good at playing strangers too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jay looked between the two of them. A girl spoke up from behind, they had gathered a crowd unknowingly. “Bokuto man is right! I witnessed the whole thing. The man clearly was targeting blondie, eh Tsukishima, right?-” she turned to Tsukishima to confirm. He nodded. “-all evening. He made his move when he was alone. He said sexist stuff and harassed him. He was doing the same to my friends the other day!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! He’s the real pervert! He groped me too!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He did the same to me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of sudden, people were booing the man, calling him off for his fool. That was enough for Jay to decide who was guilty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“While we had no rules on patrons’ clothings, there were very strict ones on sexist behavior, sexual harassment and non-consensual acts. Tsukishima-san and dear guests, I am sorry to have let you experience such things in the club.” He bowed slightly to them.“I will take care of this thing from now on. You won’t meet him again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-What? What are you doing? This is nonsense!” The man screamed. He was soon dragged away by the murderous security.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As the commotion dispatched, Kuroo-san, Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san surrounded Tsukishima, questioning him worriedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukki! Are you alright? I’m sorry for leaving you alone for such a long time! It is too damn crowded today! Fuck, I should have  been with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tsukkkkiiiii! Oh my god! Are you hurt? Kuroo said he touched you! I just went along with him  but are you okayyy? You are not hurt, aren’t you? What would we do if you got hurt!? I am gonna kill that guy!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bokuto-san, please calm down and let the hitting to the security. Tsukishima-kun said that he was fine already but you two were too busy intimidating the guy to listen to him.” Akaashi-san turned to Tsukishima. “However, I would like to confirm your status again. Are you okay, Kei? I was really worried back then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Relax. I’m all good.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes at the frantic men before him. It’s amazing how they turned from predators to mother hens the moment the threat was taken away. “Really. He barely grabbed my arm before Kuroo-san turned up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that, their eyes fell on the red imprint of a hand on Tsukishima’s arm. He sometimes cursed his fair skin because it bruised too easily. His boyfriends’ expression turned grim. “Sorry, we should have been with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, stop that. It’s all good now. We came here to have fun, not babysitting me, remember?” Tsukishima huffed. “I could have my own back. Don’t worry, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But Tsukki…” Bokuto-san said strangely gloomily. Kuroo-san’s eyes haven’t left his arm. Akaashi-san looked sad somehow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Tsukishima asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Your hands are shaking.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That Tsukishima did not notice. It hit him like a brick. The hand mark on his hand started to burn all of sudden. Tsukishima couldn’t tear his eyes off it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kei?” Akaashi-san jerked him out of his moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The music faded away. He felt sick.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” He answered.  “I want to leave, now.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will try my best to bring a satisfactory ending for Tsukki.<br/>Next: summer break.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Any thoughts are appreciated!<br/>Thank you for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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